The Five Continuing Conversations of Long Term Reationships -- Part 5 -- Sex

Probably up till now you have been saying -- "I have heard all this before" Your probably right as these are common topics of relationships building mentors and gurus. Sex in a Christian context a continuing conversation might be a little different.


One thing I get here is -- "Your talking after marriage right?" No I mean before marriage sex needs to be talked about. Too many times I see Christian young people acting on sex before marriage instead of talking about it. If they talk more and act less they might make it to their wedding day with their virginity still intact. My Biblical test case is the Song of Solomon.

I plan on writing on the Song of Solomon in the near future, but my view, in short, is that the book has nothing to do with Christ and His Church and the relationship between them. Sorry, this is an erotic poem about two lovers who can't wait until the night they wed to consummate their marriage. It is God's answer to the Kama Sutra.

That said, there is a discussion here of sexual activity before the two come together and the end of the book emphasizes the fact the bride was a virgin. If you talk about sex before marriage it simply makes it easier to talk about it after marriage.

What should be discussed.
1. Christian Boundaries -- Hebrews 13:4 gives a lot of liberty in sex but it must be stressed, as I once read somewhere, it also has a boundary to it -- marriage. Once there though, it should be stressed that even then there are boundaries -- no body else but the two of you -- one male. one female for life (strange I have to say that).
2. Personal Boundaries -- Lets just say that some things may be uncomfortable for you or your future or current spouse. Respect these things. Some people are never comfortable making love with strangers or certain family members in the house, certain sexual activities might be uncomfortable or, at first, embarrassing. That said, it should also be noted that it is unfair to be comfortable with something done to you but you refuse to do it back. Boundaries cut both ways.
3. What will you do about children when they come and how will that effect you love life? This was a big one for me and my wife when my kids were say 6 to 13 -- old enough to understand and act if something is out of the ordinary but not old enough to get it. It takes some careful planning and patience when you have kids. It also helps to have lock on your doors. Getting a babysitter to take them to the babysitters house while you have a romantic evening is a good idea. Be creative and take advantage of any time there is time.
4. Parents -- this one has come up for me at times, in fact right away for me and my wife because for the first two months before heading to Trinity we lived with my folks. My wife was uncomfortable at times with the thought of sex with all of us in the same house. My dad also had a way of making lite of the subject so eventually she could laugh about it -- a little. One fact should be mentioned even though your married and your parents are close -- call before going over. Parents still have sex long after the kids leave. I know that's gross to you, but don't ruin it by being rude. It may be the reason your parents are miffed at you.
5. Talk about when your tempted to sin in this area. Why? because you are supposed to be each others defence against such things. It can also lead to some interesting things in the bedroom. See 1 Corinthians 7:1-5.

Things change in the sexual areas as you grow closer and live together longer so keep talking. This is one where as you become more intimate you will open up more to each other. It also starts with talking about it early and keep talking.
Finis