Church Antagonism -- Part 6 -- Recovering From Antagonism -- The Minister and His Family

I wouldn't be writing this article if people did a better job of following Matthew 18:15-18 in the first place because then a lot of antagonistic situations would be dealt with with good solid confrontation and redemption. But as it is we do things in a more political correct model of non-offensive action that solves nothing or the minister and or others think the Christian thing to do is nothing and the result is sinful situations that hurts people. Because of these things antagonism goes the wrong way and victims are left in its wake. Most notably, the minister and his family get hit hard in most cases.


Now, if a minister is caught in an affair or some other sin, there are at least one hundred resources to draw on to rehab the minister and his family. Counsel, financial resources, job support and other things are available to such a minister. The fact is that there are very few resources available to ministers who are victims of antagonistic churches and situations. If I had the money I would work to change it, but being antagonism has almost ruined me financially twice, I appeal to others to change this. The few resources that are available are expensive (something most minsters cannot afford in these situations) or limited to dealing with the recovery phase of counseling not the crisis phase itself.


When a minister is under the gun the most important thing he needs is constructive counsel. The 'be warmed and filled, we will pray for you' counsel I received from the leadership of my denomination was not helpful. It did very little to help the situation and to be blunt, it violated Scripture in several instances. The fact is one of the most helpful things denominations could provide to ministers -- counseling centers -- is often not there. Denominations in many cases do not think of keeping and developing ministers through problems - -they just try to get things to be good and spend money on the gospel and others things. Let's get real though, antagonism happens and the victims deserve better than what they get. Just because denominations want to think happy thoughts does not mean it always happens.


If a pastor is forced out of a church. There are many needs. Chiefly, how is a minister going to support his family. For myself, I spent almost two years unemployed because in both cases jobs were scarce. This is why in the second case I asked for 90 days severance. I got an argument instead about whether or not they should charge me rent. Here they were kicking me out of my home (the parsonage), my job (being a minister) and my church, and they were complaining about having to give me some money to get by for a while, as I looked for a job and on top of it all wanted to charge me rent. I have been a strong advocate now for years because of this, that if a minister should receive 90 days severance if removed for any reason. Sin is one thing, but personal conflict should not be the cause a man to loose his ability to take care of his family. If you really want to say 'this is for the best' then pay for it. If it really isn't personal, then pay for it. It may cause some people to think twice if getting rid of the pastor is going to cost their church something. The irony of the situation at my second church was they wanted me out of town, but because they choked off my financial resources I didn't have the means to leave.


Losing a church HURTS. I can't describe how angry it makes you feel. Pastoring is a large risk on an emotional, mental and spiritual level. Congregations that understand this are a blessing to a pastor. There is usually nothing physically demanding about pastoring (work days and painting the church aside) but the emotions get very much involved. You care about people and love them, and then when they basically kick you to the curb -- it hurts. During my two years recovery I have had only the counsel of friends and family to get me through, but many of those simply do not understand. Recovery would take less time if there was a good counselor at your side who understands but more often than not -- no such counselor exists for pastors and families that go through antagonistic church situations. Need counseling is necessary in a lot of areas:
1. Career -- What do I do now?
2. Marriage -- Sorry stress produces stress and often marriages are the thing that suffers.
3. Children -- Do not think the pastor's kids are immune to hurt? I have one some who wants nothing to do with conventional church and another who seems to have no faith at all. They have made their own decisions about this but part of the thing that drove them away was how people treated them as pastor's kids --as if being a pastor's kid puts a special halo around your head or something.
4. Financial -- As detailed above.
5. Addiction -- Some things pastors and family members do to 'feel' better when under the gun are addictive and destructive.

If you are a victim of antagonism find what you can but one thing is for sure you might have trouble. If you ever need someone to e-mail contact me.

Next -- Recovering from Antagonism -- Church Recovery.